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Interesting article in the NY Times.
...people in these relationships are afraid to develop feelings for the other person, because those feelings might be unreciprocated.”
www.nytimes.com/2007/10/02.../02sex.html
...people in these relationships are afraid to develop feelings for the other person, because those feelings might be unreciprocated.”
www.nytimes.com/2007/10/02.../02sex.html
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Tue, October 9, 2007 - 8:24 PMI'm kind of surprised no one has commented on this yet. I thought the article was interesting. Everyone I know who isn't in a committed relationship (and some who are) has a fwb. So, with figures like 60% being bandied about in this article, who has a fwb and why? -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Tue, October 9, 2007 - 10:51 PMEveryone you know is getting laid with a fwb or committed lover??
Wow....you must have very sexually satisfied friends. Even in a community of sexually open people I don't find myself being that lucky. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 8:38 AMHm, I dunno. I can't recall a time since.... hmmm, 17 when I wasn't getting laid one way or another. I'm not bragging, I just wasn't aware that was uncommon.
Is it?
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 9:48 AMFriends should take care of each other. Ha, but seriously....
The only adults I know that aren't having sex are usually married or practice clerical celibacy.
And maybe you just know more people than me...I tend to stay in close-knit groups. Or maybe it's just a really, really good summer. ::laughing:: -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 11:27 AMMy hunch is that when people are younger, they have more of these types of more casual relationships going.
In my experience, people do tend to "settle down" a bit as they age. This is of course a generalization, all the usual disclaimers apply. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 11:30 AMI've also heard from a lot of women that it can be easier for them to have as many partners as they wish, compared to men. This is of course, in the mainstream heterosexual realm. Plenty of the gay men I know in metropolitan areas have all the partners they desire as well. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 11:44 AMEh, it's more a matter of psychology I've found. It's pretty much granted women have it easier, so most women are more confident about it. I do know women who for reasons of unatractiveness (real or in MANY cases imagined) aren't confident and they have the same challenges.
I was a DJ when I was younger, which is a profession that... well... let's just say it's a profession ripe with opportunity, so I spent my formidable years pretty damn confident. I think I'd attribute that to my sexual success more than any physical trait. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 1:28 PMLike most things, I'm guessing this is another case of multiple variables interacting. A both/and situation, if you will.
There are probably some generalizations to be made along gender and age lines etc., AND the personal agency of the individual actor no doubt comes in to play. What combination of variables matters more or most probably depends on the individual and their situation.
It seems that coming from your perspective as a young attractive urban woman, Angel, personal agency or psychology has been the most important variable for you. You're lucky to have this variable entirely within your control!
I'm guessing that for some other folks, their gender, orientation, age, location, or looks might have more to do with their success in love or lust - factors more outside of their control. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 1:31 PM>It seems that coming from your perspective as a young attractive urban woman, Angel, personal agency or psychology has been the most important variable for you.
Urban WOMAN?... heh. Mom n' Dad will be so shocked!
;) -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 1:38 PMOoops! Couldn't tell from a quick glance at your profile and pix - my bad! :) -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 1:42 PMYeah I understand, lots of Linz pics. I go with my strengths, and my wife is hotter than I am. lol
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 3:14 PMMeli...? sweetie? ..;-) not all pepole that are married stop fucking....(wink)..the question here is..........who their fucking around with?(LOL) ha,ha,ha,ha,ha, but on the real...im 17yrs married and we r some wild animals..we have sex all the time..;-) -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 6:01 PMOh, I get that not all married couples stop having sex. Just saying the people I know that aren't actually having sex happen to be married. Married sex can be HAWT. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Thu, October 11, 2007 - 8:01 AMha.ha.ha.ha. ok baby girl..;-) r u married? anyways..but u do bring a good point to the table...i know no one can be like me..;-) (wink) -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Fri, October 12, 2007 - 12:28 PMYes, yes I am. Been married a little over 7 years so not that long.... -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Sat, October 13, 2007 - 2:01 AMSee....married people commenting about the sex life of single people. Whole different perspective. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Sat, October 13, 2007 - 3:27 PMHmmm....so because I'm married, it makes a difference on my scope of single friends? Or myself for that matter? -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Sun, October 14, 2007 - 9:17 AMIn my personal experience married people have a very different perspective on the amount of sex single people are having and how they feel about it - especially people that have been married for several years. What I've noticed is that married people tend to forget what "dry spells" are like and how frequent and challenging they can be when you don't have a steady partner. In my experience they've tended to think other people are having more sex than they really are - especially if they're having great and regular sex and are in love. It's also been my experience that married people tend to have more married friends and not as many single friends. Lastly I've also noticed that married people tend to forget what it's like to "be alone" and forget to respect that challenge in single people's lives.
But then again, that's just my experience with married friends and family over the years. It's also possible that I might just be a little bitter about the subject these days.:) -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Sun, October 14, 2007 - 12:43 PMBitter? Care to elaborate? -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, October 15, 2007 - 12:10 AMMy long departed friend,
I'm not sure that really needs elaboration. It seems pretty self-evident given the topic of conversation.
Figure it out or take a guess and I'll corroborate.
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, October 15, 2007 - 10:15 AMI totally hear you and your perspective on this subject. I may be a little outside of the norm since I actually have *way* more single than married friends, have been pretty much separated from my husband for the past two years (separate bedrooms/same house kind of thing), and even while having sex with fwb have never been so lonely in my entire life. I guess the reason why I bring this up is in my experience the only people who I know who are not having sex chose to not have sex because it is something they need to experience at the time. Whether it be a period of healing, reflection, study...whatever. I think our difference in perspective may have more to do with gender than marital status. I do not deny that as a woman, in general finding sexual partners is not as challenging as it is for my brothers. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, October 15, 2007 - 11:54 PMI wish I knew some of the people you do that are having sex,for me at this point I am in a place of wanting a fwb having just exhausted my last one who is gone for a year away....I can say that I have never felt the loneliness that I am at this point...maybe it is healing,or something but I don't even want so much the sex(well of course I enjoy to please and be pleased) but I miss almost as much the hugs and cuddles that are sometimes harder to achieve in a fwb situation....is that true of others as well? I wonder.... What about showers with a FWB person....does that cross over a emitoinal line??
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Tue, October 16, 2007 - 1:14 AMMelissae,
Ok...so with a slight variation it's still the same as I said. It's all about perspective - married, female, highly attractive...all shift perspective of reality. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Fri, October 19, 2007 - 7:42 PMI agree with you that it's all about perspective and that I can only state *my* reality, just as you have yours. I'm sorry if what I stated seemed offensive or "in your face". That certainly wasn't my intention. Honestly and from the heart, I just wanted to know how others are dealing with their situations and to learn from them. FWBennies can be awesome and most people I know seem very happy with their situation, but sometimes I feel like it's
And...are you calling *me* highly attractive? Because I am basically invisible, which has some advantages but overall it sucks. But yeah, female and married I'm definitely guilty of.
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, October 15, 2007 - 2:42 PMange...sweetie...... married or not.. women ..now all about dry spells(wink) when we have our monthly friend...its hell!!!(smile)..
but on the real ..ange...married people can relate to it. to.....like they stated above ..not all married people are having sex....just because i do ---dont mean the rest of the world is....i also know married people that being in the same room ...they feel alone..why? cuz somewhere they have lost the fire..but hay...everyone has their point here..;-) -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Tue, October 16, 2007 - 1:19 AMCC,
My point is that I have only ever heard married people and highly attractive women make those statements. I get tired of the lack of perspective from people who make those comments every so often. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Tue, October 16, 2007 - 8:14 AMhi angel...sweetie ..i understand u and every one here....but we can go ..around and around on this matter...u'll feel the way u do and i'll feel the way i do ..on this issues...dont be tired of any lack of perspective.....sunshine we live and learn from all...one must be open mined ...if not,,we wouldnt be having this convo...;-) but like i stated before...we all have go points.... -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Tue, October 16, 2007 - 11:11 AMCC,
Yep....just a sore point for me where I've encountered lack of understanding and "in your face" attitude before and a few too many times. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Tue, October 16, 2007 - 11:17 AMim sorry to hear that sweetie....;-)
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, October 15, 2007 - 2:35 PM;-) sweetie... married or not..we have been there and done that(LOL)
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Thu, October 11, 2007 - 9:28 AMWell, I am...
And we get down like I almost NEVER used to when I was single. lol -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, October 15, 2007 - 2:17 PMA lot of good feedback people. this is great discourse on how much sex who is having. And it's all relative.
Can I meander back to FWBs and stress and emotional detachment:
It could get stressfull, but then, anything can. However, based on my humble experiance, I've noticed that it's only a matter of time before FWBs go down in flames. And it goes back to one person becomming more emotionaly involved than the other, which leads to the killer of most FMBs: EXPECTATIONS.
Can I get some feed back about how yall see the effects of Expectations on FWB relationships? -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Fri, October 19, 2007 - 11:10 PMCan I get some feed back about how y'all see the effects of Expectations on FWB relationships?
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I only expect to remain friends. If we still get to get down with each other and it does not effect our friendship, then it's good for me. But if the sex makes it start to hamper the friendship, I'd rather have the friendship than the sex. I have one FWB but he is at sea most of the time, cooking on a private sail boat or cooking on a tugboat in Alaska so I don't get to see him that often. But we are still close friends... friends whom get to have sex some times. :-)
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Sun, November 11, 2007 - 1:21 PMI don't think being married means the same thing sexually as it used to,
at least not in this community. I have met more people in open marriages
in this community that anywhere else in my life.
I find that being married and open enables me to truly enjoy the fwb aspect
easier with no worries about reciprocation of feelings or stress. That is,
as long as boundaries are kept and everything is out in the open. It's been
really liberating....in so many ways. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 10:02 AM>>I don't think being married means the same thing sexually as it used to,
at least not in this community.<<
LOL you're the cutest captain obvious ever. hehehe
Of course, in a forum made up of people that are by and large more artistically enclined and tolerant to the extreme (at least, of deviances) you'll see a greater number of relationships with an alternative bent. Then again, I think we'd all be surprised how often these types of relationships occur in the "straight world".
This place (being tribe.net) is specifically designed to cater to and connect people of similar lifestyles and proclivities. Its terribly easy to announce yourself here. I'm not "out" to my family and until this weekend, and a WHOLE SLEW of vodka I wasn't out to many of my co-workers. (lol) But here I not only am "out" but I speak about it like I was discussing why I buy spinach instead of iceburg lettuce for my salads.
Conversly, there's much less incentive for the person in the cubicle next to you, or the people you pass in the street to discuss their lifestyle. That doesn't mean that those people aren't indulging the same fantasies, exploring the same alternatives that you are, only that they have much less of a reason to share they're experiences with you.
Consider. Discuss. Dispute. :)
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 10:15 AMpeople in these relationships are afraid to develop feelings for the other person, because those feelings might be unreciprocated.”
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I'm part of that 1/10th were the fwb became a relationship but didn't last once the fires died down. I've not had a relationship in several years and the FWB have been 0 for at least five of those years. When I was younger, I would have hooked up with anyone thinking it might be serious eventually. At my current age, forget it; if you don't turn on my mind, my loins certainly aren't going to be forced to deal with you for a quicky.
Having said that, why is it now so hard to find FWB when you actually want one? I figure it was a nice way to get back in the playing field after being unavailible for so long plus fill the gaps of friends I've lost along the way while getting some nookie too.
Guess I'll just keep on truckin'. -
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Re: Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 10:27 AMAt my current age, forget it; if you don't turn on my mind, my loins certainly aren't going to be forced to deal with you for a quicky.
Amen to that---
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